Updated: Oct 9, 2019
Do you ever get that feeling when you are sitting in a room alone, your thoughts wandering; you are not crying but you feel this sadness and emptiness replaying moments from your life and wondering where did it at all go astray.
I have been lost and lonely before and nothing kills you like your mind does. Funnily enough, I will never forget how the loneliness felt good and bad at the same time. Heck, it still does. And that's why I kept it all inside because I couldn't tell anyone simply because they were too happy to deal with my problems and It certainly amazed me that nobody realized how sad I was; perhaps all my fake laughs and smiles did work. Behind my smiles, there was something even I couldn't entirely grasp or comprehend. It truly was a dark place at the darkest of times.
Not a day went by where my thoughts didn't poison me from the inside out, I acted like everything was fine; laughed at people's jokes and acted carefree in life but as soon as stepped in into my shell, it was like a switch flicking on and off. I would suddenly feel alone, hollow and burned-out. It was like a paradox of two different me's; one for the show and one for myself. Now, isn't that bloody funny. Trust me, nobody would want to know what these thoughts did to me.
At some point, I was so sick of pretending to be happy and being this miserable excuse for a human being. I realised in all this turmoil that all I ever wanted was to be found and cared. But let me tell you this, when you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they tried to blend with the world but people continued to disappoint them.
I have been stabbed in the back by those I needed the most, by the ones I trusted the most. I have been lied to by those I loved and left alone when I couldn't be. But at the end of the day, I had to learn to be my friend because there are going to be days where no one is going to be there for you but yourself.
When I accepted that, my life changed for the better,
Some day it dawned on me, I was never afraid of being alone; I was afraid of my own thoughts; I was trying run away from myself to be something else I was not and that's what I became, a slave to my past. Surrounding myself with the wrong people was what made me lonely not being alone. That was the moment I knew, in the end, it's not what others think, it's what you think about yourself that counts. Sometimes, you gotta toughen up and do exactly what's good for your life, not what's best for everyone else.
Heck, the world is a lonely place but it would be a lot lonelier without you in it. The hardest walks are the ones you walk alone but it is also the walk that makes you the strongest. Some steps have to be taken alone because it's the only way to figure out where you need to go and who you need to be. Those who do not know how to weep wholeheartedly do not how to laugh either.
Don't expect the people around you to understand your journey. They don't need to it's not for them. It's for you only. For you only.
Sometimes you have to remind yourself that it's going to be okay maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but one day. Keep saying it enough that one day you will actually believe it. Remind yourself that things have changed, it changed for a reason, people change for a reason. You just have to let go and move on; it's going to be hard and you're gonna feel lonely but hold on cause who's to say tomorrow won't be the best damn day of your life?.
I want you to know everything happens for a reason. People change so you learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they are right. You believe lies so that you can learn to trust no can but yourself and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
Remember, it becomes so easy to hate people; no matter what someone has done to you be humble. Don't forget to appreciate yourself just because if your life is hard and I know your struggles are real. Come on, hug yourself even if you don't feel okay your happiness depends on you and no one else. You are never alone. You have you. Yourself.
And, Don't you dare give up on this life,
Not tonight. Not tomorrow. Not ever.
Hey, trust me on this If you have the courage to make it through a dark, lonely night with nothing but your ticking thoughts to keep you company,
Mate, you have the courage to make it through anything,
And in the end, all I learned was how to be strong. Alone.